20120716 (J, ON)
Journal: July 16, 2012
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All is Vanity (Ecclesiastes 1:1)                  Fear God (Ecclesiastes)                  Role of Women (Ecclesiastes)

(ON) This was an Ecclesiastes day: (see links above)

                                                               Morality                                Self                                Thought Process
(J) Sorry for my Temper, Teri: I have a terrible flaw: my anger. It just burst forth for the first time since I was in jail talking on the phone with my sister. Before jail perhaps I need to go back to Mike Conder at XTS.NET. It seems to escape when my sense of aesthetics is criticized by someone who trades in complaints about others wronging them. Or perhaps just any critique of anything “me” can set me off.

I probably lost a good friend with my tirade 10 minutes ago. I called Teri a thief which she is, after she complained at length how her landlord was wronging her; saying how she hasn’t paid her lease and won’t; how she will manipulate a judge to see it her way, that her “need” justifies her theft, so it’s really not theft, all the while while she has stolen from me, with a promise to pay back long ago. Not a mention of that “debt” during her long complaint of how others are wronging her. But to her, the promise is a good as the payment, so she really doesn’t “owe” me, so she hasn’t stolen anything.

(She did pay it all back about a year later, I told her then, “the bank is again open, but with collateral”. Teri “stole” from me again in April 2016 by delivering only 80% of the dope we agreed to, half a pound. Her son, Max, my first dealer from her family, also stiffed me for a the whole $500 per ounce, same as I paid Teri. I also dealt with her other son, Sam, till he got busted for marijuana DUI. I now have no supplier, so when I run out of what she did deliver I won’t know how to replace one of my main meds, thyroxine being the other, with lessor attention to blood pressure and Prozac. Added August 27, 2016)

I lost it when she said, as she often says, “Let me finish”, in effect telling me to be silent, to shut up and listen to her story so “I would understand her moral righteousness.” Teri always talks way more than 50% of the time during our conversations, I suspect like 90% - 95%. I had thought of this same situation before, thinking then also negative thoughts about Teri. I think my sense of “fairness” is involved. I felt “wronged”. I am sorry I lost it and said words meant to hurt. I don’t really know why, when, where, or how such escapes of hate will occur, but they have been with me all my life (temper tantrum at 5 yr old leaving Jerry Day’s house to go home with Mommy).

I have to either accept them or somehow no longer feel them. I think the latter preferable, perhaps possible, only to suppress them, not eliminate them.

I have recently taken a more insistent tone and position with everyone: my sister, Teri, Victor, Mark, McHenry Co. College, the Buddhist temple. Vanity, all is vanity. ISTMRN that I too curse God for not implanting the “truth of the way” in my associates’ minds and hearts. Sooo, I HAVE to enlighten them (and perhaps gain glory for myself). My sense of “fairness” is but another excuse to compel other people. Sigh .... Is there truly a way out?

No, not really.

Will we ever NOT sway the mosquito’s bite when not “thinking” about it? Will we ever NOT touch that tickle on our nose when not “thinking” about it? Is life a struggle? A constant, incessant, eternal struggle against the forces of chaos? Or death? Or pain? Or injustice? Or evil? Or decay? Or entropy? Or God? Some say, “Those forces are unleashed by God to temper our mettle. But they must be resisted, fought, and eventually overcome to establish God’s kingdom on Earth.” Or at least move things in that direction; at least hold the line against evil; at least retreat while planning a counter-attack.

Yet it is just that resistance which is itself the chaos, the lashing out against evil that is itself evil. I have a terrible flaw, my unleashed temper, my “bear”. I’m sorry, Teri.

The writing tempered the temper. So that’s done. What now?