Index 
Jail Time Self
I lost a spades game in a spades tournament and felt terrible – humiliated, then anger, then worthless. I hate to lose so maybe that is why I backed off competition at work, like not responding to Cady Johnson’s memo attacking me, that I did not answer it despite Jean Younker explicitly asking me to. If I don’t play, I don’t lose. Later today I watched ping pong and did NOT take winners for fear of losing. Then I did play when I thought I could beat someone. I lost twice, then finally won staying for five games as standing winner. That felt good and made me feel people would accept me as a winner and not make fun of me and humiliate me. I finally lost to McGrue who is better than I am so it was, but I was tired so it was OK, but I left the table to avoid facing losing. |