Laments for Sharon
Dec 16(2), 1969; Jan 7(2), 9, 11, Feb 7, Mar 7, 1970 (bsn)
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19700109                    Desire

(see Continuation for laments 9, 10, and 11)
Laments for Sharon
Lament 1 (Dec 16, 1969)
Why do you look so indifferent?
Is it just my eyes that fear
To see indifference and do?

Or is it your eyes that are afraid
To show vulnerability and don’t?

Or is it possible that you are somehow
Calloused enough not to feel or care
About another person loving you?
Lament 2 (Dec 16, 1969)
Don’t look over your shoulder as you pass by,
For you will catch my eyes following you.
Then you would have to explain why,
And the answer might tell you that
You are missing love.

You want love, even if proffered by me.
But the gods say a woman must only
Accept one man’s love;
And you prefer another’s to mine.

So don’t look back to catch my eye
Or you will know I am loving you,
And that will make you cry.

Now we don’t even speak when we meet.
I am sure Aphrodite is as disappointed as I.
However I did notice a smile trying
To touch your lips
To match the probing of your eyes
As they searched mine.

Maybe that was just my imagination,
But I like to dream.
Lament 3 (Jan 7, 1970)
What amazing happiness I feel tonight
It has been a long time since we
Shared words and exchanged gazes
In simple conversation.

I felt as if I were reborn today
Once again finding the world “beautiful”
As I saw it reflected in your shining eyes.
There were so many things I wanted to say,
So many months of unspoken words
That clamored in my mind,
Rushing to escape my lips,
To tell you how I have felt
And do feel now for you.

In my excitement,
I’m afraid not much came out,
As I hoped it would.
But I still feel happy knowing
We can still talk together.

You know you are the only person
Into whose eyes I can stare
Without being afraid of
Exposing my weaknesses.
I relish every chance to allow my eyes
To tell you all those things
My confused words may fail to convey.

I smiled as we sat together
For that brief moment this afternoon,
My heart jumping with the realization
That I have not forgotten how to smile.
Just being close to you brings me
A wonder feeling of happiness,
Of joy, of wonder,
Of love.

Now I know we have a stronger bond
Between us than a few past pleasures;
We have love.

It will be many weeks perhaps 'til we talk again
But I have faith that a love
So beautiful as the one I saw today,
Shall not be blown away by time
As a puff of smoke is blown away by the wind,
But shall remain as eternal as the stars,
Even though hidden from consciousness at times
By clouds of fate and circumstance.

Someday I will once again hold you in my arms
And share with you all the wonders
Of a universe filled with joy.
On that day the angels in heaven
Will envy my happiness.

Lament 4 (Jan 7, 1970)
Sharon, a psychologist, although
She doesn’t know it,
Because she is taking psychology
Classes in school that tell her she is not.

The Elves might mistake her Galadriel.
She tries very hard to be her true self
Behind a security wall,
But bending under the will of Neptune,
She often shows through as the
Anxious, curious, magical,
Loving woman she is.

She has been a great teacher to me
Showing me that love isn’t something
To be bought and sold
At the Madison Avenue
Sexual market.

Her hands are always moving
Whether as gestures when she talks,
Which at times I think too often,
Or nervous playing with a scarf or pencil
Or something,
Indicating the energy she has within.

Beautiful long brown hair,
A little over 5 feet,
And two of the most
Probing eyes in the world.

She would like to be alone sometimes,
But loves others much too deeply
To be left all alone.
She doesn’t know that I know she is often
Afraid and confused
About the tortuous guilts she feels.

Maybe she belongs to another world,
Better and more honest than this,
But being here, she is determined
To make this one more beautiful for everyone,
Herself included.

I love her,
I hope she knows that.
Lament 5 (Jan 9, 1970)
In everything I eat and drink
Is the taste of your lips.
My sleep is filled with dreams
Through which you dance and play.

With every breath I take
I can smell the fragrance
Of your beautiful body

My mind cannot entertain an idea
Which you have not helped fashion.
I hear your voice in the wind
As it sings through the trees.

If I close my eyes, I see you
Standing on the shore,
Your hair flowing toward the sand,
Your face shining in the sun,
And your eyes reflecting the
Soft light of love, as they probe mine.

If I close my eyes again,
Visions of your face,
Your long hair, again,
Streaming down beyond your shoulders,
And those eyes, as deep as love itself.

When I concentrate, I can even
Feel the softness of your breasts,
And the warmth of your passion
As we made love.
Lament 6 (Jan 11, 1970)
Do you find it so hard to understand why I love you?
Or does your insecurity demand constant
Reaffirmation of that love?

Do you look upon yourself with such dislike
That you cannot believe another person
Can find beauty, where you find only shame
And fear?

I want to be close to you so you will
Share with me your deepest thoughts
And I mine with you.

Then listen.
Listen as my eyes hold yours rather than
Darting away not liking what they see
Reflected in your deep mirror eyes.
Listen as my words tell you how lonely I am,
My heart willing to risk rejection
In hopes of gaining a chance that together
We both might forget our lonliness.

Beneath your guilts and masochisms
I know a very beautiful woman lives.
It is this woman, warm, sensitive, responsive
And lonely that I love.

You try not to be seen in your weakness too often,
But I have seen your hidden beauty often enough!
Enough to want to share my live with you;
To want to show you a land
Where you can forget
Your fears of lonliness
And throw away your guilt
For which you feel you must torture yourself.
Through masochistic martyrdom.

Now I sound too much like a psychoanalyst,
But despite your thoughts that
You aren’t worthy of another’s love
I do love you and
I do know you are beautiful.

I don’t want to play games that will allow you
To feel loved while you remain in your shell
Of masochism;
But I will just be able to talk to you.

Beneath your shroud of martyrdom
Lives a very warm, sensitive woman
Wanting to be loved, wanting to love.
A woman who laughs when she is happy;
Which is often, due to her awareness.
A woman who cries when she is sad,
Which is often is because of her sensitivity.
A woman who loves when she is needed.

Don’t let that woman die, Sharon, because
She offers you so much.

Lament 7 (Feb 7, 1970)
The person who uses the
Tremendous power of love
To instill anguish, self-torture and pain
In the person loved,
Instead of freedom, joy, pleasure and heaven,

Is guilty of a crime to Aphrodite
Who gave man love, but left to him
A thousand ways to use it.

But Sharon and John,
Continue loving each other as I know you are,
Although in what manner I will never understand,
I call you guilty of missing love.
Based only on my observations
And my own moral system, my own prejudices.

My observations may be in err;
Aphrodite forgot to give us
To know which of her voices to heed.

So you see my interpretation
Of the right way to love Is purely subjective.

So continue loving each other please,
For loneliness is even worse
Than misused love.

I hope your love for each other
Nourishes your desires to be alive;
If so, it must be beautiful.

P.S. To Sharon: I love you.

Lament 8 (Mar 7, 1970, the last)
Excuse me if I seem bitter sometimes,
For I am unwilling to place the blame
On my own inadequacies
Preferring to project it to you
And your inadequacies.

I can’t accept the fact that my
Unhappiness is due to my own
Self-proclaimed unimpeachable behavior,
So I must blame something else,
And you are the most likely subject.

I’m sorry, I know it’s now fair,
But I feel that we could both enjoy summers,
Even in other seasons;
Not the same summer we shared earlier
For that one is gone.

But summers even more beautiful
Based on a love that we wouldn’t
Be afraid to admit we have.

A love that would make each day
Worth living for itself
Not because it reminds of the past,
Or promises for the future;
A love that would make happy moments
The norm, not the exception.

A love that I’m sure we could find
If we would both be willing to accept
Each other’s values as being at least
As valid as our own.

But that is very hard to do.
That is why happiness seems so elusive.