Index 
Morality Self
Impotence: I am impotent, sexually at least. The last time I “had” sex was with a prostitute in 2002 or so. I gave her oral sex for an hour or so and she came three time, I suspect. She was new and shy at the profession, and her pimp stayed in the motel room for two hours, plus he paid for the room out of my $100. Though she tried with great skill to coax an erection from me, she could not. I told her truthfully it was not her fault, so just relax and enjoy my mouth and hands which I can control. I think she did. I told myself afterward it was the best sex I ever had. I didn’t worry about my impotence for once. That was my first and only time with a prostitute. The time before that was sex with my wife Susie in about 1994 or so. We had reduced our sex from 2 or 3 times a day on weekend visits to Lafayette before we were married to about once a month at the time. Susie was dutifully performing oral sex on me when I lost my erection. I told her something, rolled over, and went to sleep. Little did I know that would be the last sex with my wife. Never again in six years of continued marriage. She tried weakly a few times to arouse me, like the time she asked me to rent “dirty movies” as she called them because she was too embarrassed to go into the dirty movie room at the rental place. She played them in our presence when Heather was at a friend's house. I ignored them and her, though we often shared mutual excitement of pornography, usually at a drive in Attica, Indiana shortly after our marriage in 1974. I had 13 or so sexual partners, all female before marriage, none except Susie after. In every case, I had trouble getting hard during the first encounter and required strong coaxing of, “Yes, I want to do it.” It seems I needed to be convinced that I was not imposing my will on another against their wishes, perhaps mixed with a fear of not being able to “please” the woman. Anyway, whatever the reason, my impotence haunted me all my life from the first time with Cathy Stoots my junior year in high school to the last time with the prostitute. I masturbated throughout my life as my true sexual outlet: I guess I am an "autosexual"; masturbation is so safe, so easy, so free of attached encumbrances. With my internet play I made a last attempt at sexual contact with another person, turning to pure fantasy with unseen someone else at the other end of the keyboard. I still use internet porn sites almost daily to “coax” my now 2 to 5 minute dalliance with my sexual urges. As Diogenes is reputed to had said, “If only my belly were so easily satisfied by rubbing it a few minutes a day.” |