Index 
1969.11.04 (bsn): Short Essay on Freedom and Happiness Well, I sure can’t write stoned, and when drunk ideas come into my head that might be interesting to note down. My grammar may not be perfect, but I feel my ideas are worthy of consideration; so let me proceed. Tonight I have been considering freedom and liberty and the subtle relationships between them. After considerable discourse with a variety of people advocating a variety of definitions of these words, I feel I can now put into words some of those ideas and a few of my own. Everyone seems to be concerned with personal “freedom”, and usually has an answer to questioning of other people searching for their own freedom. A characteristic of the freedom that all people seem to be looking for stands out: this is a life in which they are free from socially and politically oriented patterned responses to complexly interrelated situations. They feel this freedom is curtailed by any institution that dictates codes of behavior or general dogmatic rules of conduct. So these searching minds turn their thoughts to liberty or release from the prisons of social conformity. A few perceptive individuals have mistakenly persuaded themselves that the way to liberation is through political revolution that will overthrow the existing organizations and replace them with a code of moral integrity based on the precept that one’s “pursuit of happiness” even if misdirected, will be tolerated as long as it interferes with no one else’s same pursuit. Their mistake lies in their failure to recognize that anyone’s behavior could possibly be based on a moral code other than their own, and consequently their “free-love society” does not have room for disputes that must inevitably arise out of human interaction. Their ideals are admirable, but their realism is questionable. Behind these are individuals whose faith in human integrity seems to be beautiful but too idealistic follow the sheep. These followers harken to the cries for freedom as a song that will deliver them from the hells of their own unhappiness. So they call for liberation, when what they really want is comfort found in social acceptance they find in the clamor for revolution to free society from the shackles of institutionalism without realizing that shackles they feel are born out of their own personal insecurities and guilt feelings rather than the institutions on which they cast their blame. Then there exist those, including myself, who feel that liberty can be achieved only as a state of mind, regardless of the necessary political and social limitations on the uncensored pursuit of happiness of an interacting population of human beings. We turn inward to find our freedom; in the perception of a beautiful sunset, or the satisfaction in recognizing the natural symmetry in a skyscraper. Happiness and sorrow exist simultaneously; happiness in the realization that we are alive, and sorrow in the fact that someday we must die. | Therefore we experiment with ideas and play with life in order to search for knowledge that will assure us that are pursuits are meaningful. One day we believe one idea, another day another. But behind our search is a hope that someday we will find a point of view, moral code or system of ethics that will permit us to be happy regardless of the situation around us that is beyond our control. Let the politicians, Madison Avenue advertisers, art critics, sociologi sts and psychologists play their games of chess with human beings; we strive to know happiness wherever we are moved. Much of this discussion has been based on human striving for happiness, but a definition of happiness has not been given. For some the above mentioned definition of freedom might be synonymous with happiness. But, as has already been pointed out, this end cannot be realized. Since absolute freedom does not exist in a realistic sense, what then is the happiness that I pursue? At this point I reach a fork in the road: I want two contradictory states of mind, each which promises to bring my own concept of happiness. The first is a solidity that can withstand the attack of my emotions, a rational appreciation of life and the experiences it portrays in a picture beyond description. The second is commensuration, in love, with a woman to share my solitude as I try to figure out where energy comes from. One approach to finding happiness involves the rejection of emotion; thus making joy the absence of sorrow; the other necessitates emotion by compelling me to love and thus be vulnerable to rejection. In trying to find which course is best, I find satisfaction in knowing that I am seriously questioning the meaning of my life and the insignificance of my subjective importance. Now the wine weighs heavily upon my eyelids, so I must retire for the evening into a world of dreams. Unconsciousness must also be considered a reality for one third of my life.  1969.11.04 (bsn): Note to Sharon (never delivered) This is just a short note to wish you a very happy Christmas and express my hope that your next year will be filled with wonderful luck. I was just listening to Abbey Road for the umpteenth time since I first heard it that night at your apartment. That was the last time I really talked with you, and one of the casual remarks you made was that you preferred the song “Something” to any of the rest. I hope for your happiness that the words of the song are still applicable to your situation now as I’m sure they were then when I locked your door for the last time and walked away carrying my suitcase and my tears. If you can still recall with pleasure some of the experiences we shared last summer, I hope you will smile a little knowing that I dwell on those memories, almost to the point of neurotic neglect of the present. I guess this not is to thank you for the beauty and happiness you gave me, and to curse you for the power you have that so skillfully controls my emotions. I love you Sharon, so b e happy in that I may at least gain some satisfaction for the knowledge that you can smile. Merry Christmas and truly wish you happiness this holiday season and always. |